How to Talk With Your Children About Santa
For most children in America – regardless of their family’s faith, culture, or traditions – Santa looms large during the holiday season.
Even before the Thanksgiving table is cleared, the “Big Man” is ubiquitous – appearing at parades and malls, starring in movies and TV shows, and making cameos in school yard conversations.
As much as parents think they control the Santa narrative in their house, Rutgers psychologist Schenike Massie-Lambert says they should be prepared for the outside world to challenge their children’s beliefs – or lack thereof – regarding Jolly Old St. Nick.
Massie-Lambert, a mother of two young children and clinical coordinator for the Children's Center for Resilience and Trauma Recovery with Rutgers University Behavioral Health Care, offers suggestions for caregivers who are on the fence about passing down their Santa traditions – and tips for talking with children when the jig is up.
For caregivers who grew up with the concept of Santa and want to share their traditions with their children, are there ways to do that without setting them up for disappointment down the road?
There is something sweet and magical about this period of their lives, and we want to nurture it as much as possible. But there are people who say it’s not the truth, and lying to children can be harmful. There are good arguments for both sides. Regardless of which direction you go, it’s more important to explain that every single family and home has different traditions, and not everyone believes in Santa. I think that’s a great way for parents to use Santa to explain there are different ways to celebrate the season. It’s also important to tell them we shouldn’t attempt to change anyone’s beliefs or the way they celebrate, and they should do the same for us. It is a great opportunity to explore the ideas of culture, identity, boundaries and respect. Inevitably, there will be a moment when your child comes home and says, "‘Someone told me Santa isn’t real.’" I would love to hear a young person when they are told there is no Santa say, "‘Well, that is your belief. I believe something else.’"
What have you chosen to share with your children?
I have not confirmed or denied Santa’s existence with my children. The concept of Santa doesn’t necessarily have to be black or white. We talk about it as a tradition and legend. We talk about the history of St. Nicholas who gave to the ill and children in need to connect them to the spirit of Christmas. Anyone can be a "Santa’" if they have a kind heart.
When your child eventually learns the truth, is there a way you recommend directing the conversation?
Caregivers should be prepared for children to discover the truth because it will happen. Be prepared to acknowledge it is not the truth, but it is based on legend, tradition and their attempt at celebrating the holiday the same way they celebrated as children. First, we validate their feelings and shift the language and the experience more to tradition and ritual, so it doesn’t feel like a betrayal. Kids are resilient and adaptable and will adjust.
Is there an age when you should tell a child who believes in Santa the truth?
It’s tough to put a specific age on it. Whenever they start to ask questions is when we start giving answers. Whenever there is a topic you want to broach with children, start with what they know. Ask "‘What do you enjoy most about the holiday’" or "‘What do you know about Santa?’" and meet them where they are.
